Sorrow

I know Jimmy's been out of sorts lately. I chalked it up to work and that our van has been out of commission. That is until tonight. We were sitting on our patio smoking cigarettes because we haven't smoked in the house or around our children since Jackson came home from the hospital.

Anyway, tonight, we're outside when Jimmy whispers, "I miss our girls." I knew he was talking about Pheobe and Audrey. I admitted that I too miss them. It was then that we both broke down crying on each other's shoulders.

He feels he pushed me into delivering them too early. He didn't. We both heard the doctor and knew that there was no positive outcome. I admit that I wanted my girls so much but knew there was no positive outcome. I had three other children to think of. Call me selfish if you want. But I could not put those three children through years of neglect caring for two, or even one child taking all of my time.

I admit, I should have fought harder. But I knew the risks and the statistics. Does that make me a horrible parent? Yes and no. Had I not lost my girls, I wouldn't have Jackson. Despite all the medical problems he's had, I cannot imagine my life without him. Had my girls lived, I wouldn't have him.

I've been blessed in having people to talk and vent to, Heather, Jodi and Ami, most of all. But Jimmy has no one but me. Most times when something this tragic happens, most people tend to the mother, yet overlook the father. I hate that. Jimmy wanted these girls more than I did, I admit. When I was pregnant with them, my main concern was "How will I take care of 4 children in diapers?" I never once thought it was a blessing to have twins.

When I lost them, only then did I realize how much I wanted them. That should make me feel more guilty than Jimmy. He feels he "talked" me into giving birth to them too early knowing neither would live. I feel I resented being pregnant with twins that I caused the TTTS.

I think we both need help. Not for our marriage because there's nothing to change. But for ourselves. I have a wonderful relationship with Jimmy, But I hate that he feels he "talked" me into giving up the fight for our girls. I just don't know what to do.

So cute....

Korinne says, "Mommy, you know who my best buddy is?" I say, "Hannah?" She says, "No, Jackson and then Hannah." How cute is it that right now her little brother is her best buddy? LOL

I'm such a shit!

Ok chalk it up to a horrible mommy moment!

Earlier today we saw the nutritionist at the WIC office. She's concerned that Jackson weighs just under 18 lbs and just turned 15 months. For any parents out there that know what the growth chart is, he's just under the 5th percentile for both height and weight. Meaning 95% of babies his age are bigger than he is. She wants me to give him foods that have more calories. The biggest problem is his apparent allergies to dairy, eggs, and peanuts.

Tonight I bought a 6 pack of pediasure that said lactose free. Only AFTER giving him some of it did I realize it contains milk products. He drank a total of 2 ounces before I took it from him.

Here it is, 12:30 am and his face is blotchy, he keeps rubbing his eyes and he's wide awake. I've given him benadryl for the allergies and tylenol because he's teething. When I say teething, his top gums are swollen on only the left side. As if he's getting his left front tooth and the one directly to the left. I've swabbed his gums with baby orajel. But nothing I've done is working. He's still splotchy, still cranky and still wide awake.

Jimmy wanted to stay up and help with him. But I sent him to bed. He NEEDS to be alert enough to do his job. I can nap when the kids nap. My other kids never had these problems.

I feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach. First Jackson has Diaphragmatic Hernia, has surgery for that, then has Craniosynostosis, has surgery for that, and NOW has allergies. How am I supposed to get him to gain weight when most everything out there has milk, eggs or peanuts?

Heather, bless her heart for outing me as Kaytee (Not a big deal, just have to tease), did give me a couple of websites to check out for tofu that might help Jackson gain weight. I plan on checking those out very soon. Jackson has his 15 month check up Tuesday and I plan on insisting something be decided concerning Jackson's lack of weight gain.

I'm just at a loss. I've got three older children that I never had to worry about what I fed them, they ate it, at least until they were old enough to refuse food. LOL Now I have to check ingredients on everything I give Jackson. Thankfully, the nutritionist gave me a list of things to look for in ingredients concerning milk, eggs and peanuts.

Wish me luck!

No more fever!

We got up this morning and no child had a fever in this house! Yay! I will update later on my appointment with the nutritionist for Jackson.

Ugh!

I took the older three in for their annual check ups. Decided to get their flu shots out of the way. So Justin got one shot (flu), Jay got two (flu and tetanus) and Korinne got three (flu, DTAP, and MMR.) While at the doctor's office, Justin's temp was 100.1. Not too high, but enough to know that if I even bothered sending him to school I'd get a phone call telling me to pick him up and I knew I wouldn't have the car.

So after almost two hours at the pediatricians office, we made our way home...or rather to the school...45 minute drive. I signed Jay in and went to Justin's class to get the homework he would be missing. We did our errands, getting bread and meds, both of which we were out of, then got Jimmy from work. I managed to get Justin to take medicine, which is always a fight. And he even took a nap, so I knew he wasn't feeling well.

Well about 15 minutes ago, Korinne comes wandering out and says, "Mommy can you tuck me in?" I feel her head, she's burning up. I take her temp...103.2. So I fought her to get meds in her, gave her a sippy cup of juice and tucked her in.

Will Jay or Jackson be next? Is this just a short virus of will it turn in to the flu? I'd be more suspicious if Justin hadn't already had a fever when he got his flu shot. So I'm hoping it's just a short virus and that Jackson avoids it.

I have to take Jackson to the doctor anytime he gets sick because of his medical history. Now that we have a co-pay, that really adds up. LOL So please hope and pray Jackson avoids this go around.

Beware...

of baby toys.

Apparently this past Friday, I knocked myself unconscious from Jackson's toys. I remember nothing from climbing over the gate to turn the tv off. From what Jimmy and I have gathered, I climbed over the gate into the living room and turned the Tv off. From there, it's a blur.

From what we can gather, I tried to climb back over the gate, lost my footing and instead of falling forward, I fell backward. Jimmy woke up at 6am and found me passed out in the living room, inside the gate. He looked for blood. Later I found where I'd hit my head in the back and found a scab.

So from what we gather, I went into the gate unharmed, turned the tv off, tried to go back over the gate, caught my foot and rather than fall forward, I fell backward, hit my head on one of Jackson's toys, that was sharp and knocked myself unconscious. I still have the scab on my skull.

Jimmy said he knew it wasn't from me drinking to much because he'd marked the vodka bottle and it was at the same place. LOL

So please be ware of baby toys. LOL

Where Have I Been??

Has anyone else wondered that about me? LOL

I've been busy. Planning my 2nd ever Thanksgiving meal. Last year it was just my mother that came for the actual dinner. My sister and her family came later after having their meal with his family. This year, it'll be my mother, brother, cousin, and maybe one of my aunt's. If all comes, that's 10 people total. Not as many as we had for Jackson's birthday party, but enough to make my palms sweat and my head already hurt.

I don't do well with a lot of people in my home. I like things just so. Actually I'm selfish that I don't like sharing my time with Jimmy with anyone else. LOL

Needless to say, we're having dinner here. We've got our turkey thawing in the fridge. We've got a bag of fresh corn on the cob, a bag of potatoes for the homemade mashed taters. I've got a list of other foods we'll be having. And I'm fortunate enough that the director of the Homework club is loaning us a long folding table.

I love Thanksgiving with all the wonderful food. But I'm already ready to pull my hair out. I'm not used to having Thanksgiving here. I thought last year was a fluke it turned out so well. LOL

So what in the world was up with the weather today??!! It was freezing when I drove the boys to the bus stop. It was raining with fat slushy drops falling on my windshield. Later in the morning, I look out the window and see, of all things, SNOW! My heart dropped at first. I live in the south for a reason! No snow! Then, of course, I was elated that just because it was snowing, it wasn't sticking. I admit, it was beautiful watching it fall. I even tried taking a picture, but my camera is just not good enough for weather shots. It's just perfect for my uses for it, which are taking pictures of my family. So here's some for you. :)

I just love sleeping poses. LOL

My baby is home...

Ok he's 11. He's not a baby anymore. But, all my babies are my babies, and that won't change no matter how old they get.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law are in town from Tennessee. Got here yesterday. Came over here to visit and watch Justin, Korinne, and Jackson while I went to the school to get Jay. We were told to be there at 4pm. Their bus didn't get there until 4:45. Yes I had tears in my eyes when I saw that bus and saw Jay in a window. I was so happy he was home and safe. When I was able to actually see him, I gave him the biggest hug ever and tried to hold my tears back so I wouldn't embarrass him.

Obviously he had a great time because as soon as I got him until he went to bed he didn't shut up for a single minute.

I can't wait to get the pics developed from the disposable cameras he took. I'm glad he enjoyed himself while I was a basket case. I hope to God there are no more field trips like this anytime soon. LOL

I survived

Well I survived my first night with Jay being away. I slept, though restless it was. It was a little weird going to the bus stop with only Justin. But, I know Jay will be home tomorrow. I know he's having a blast, so I will try not to worry too much. LOL Yeah right, who am I kidding? LOL

17+ Hours

17 plus hours, Jay has been gone. Not only are Jimmy and I unsettled about not being able to just call and say good night, but Jackson, who shares a room with Jay is unsettled. I assume so because here it is 11:30 pm and Jackson is wide awake, so unlike him.

I KNOW I'm going to have a hard time sleeping. It just didn't dawn on me that anyone else would have a problem with it.

GOD I love my children!

Jackson's new 'do

Before (the green is from a crayon he tried to eat)

After (I can see his eyes!!!)

T-10 hours

In about ten hours, Jay will be on a bus and on his way to North Carolina. He's all packed and ready to go. He has two disposable cameras, a flashlight, and a composition book in his back pack. I told him I expect to see pics of the scenery and not just his friends. LOL He's excited. I'm nervous. He's talking a mile a minute he's so excited. And I want him to shut up! LOL I have no doubt I will cry in the morning. I know he'll be back Wednesday. But still he's going to be in another state and not with a family member. This is going to be the longest three days of my life. LOL

Back in September, I posted about Field Trips and Fundraisers. Jay leaves Monday morning. Well today Jay was sent home with a letter saying we still owed $29 and had to pay by 9:00 am tomorrow or he can't go. I, of course, became angry. You don't just forget writing checks for that amount of money. Here's how it is with my figures.

1. Camp Kanuga cost $220
2. Impromptu Style day raised money to lower cost to $210
3. 9/14 sent check for $100 deposit....balance left, $110
4. Had fundraiser earned $16 towards balance....balance left $94
5. 10/15 sent check for $45....balance left $49
6. 10/26 sent check for $49....balance left $0

Ok so please recheck my math, since math was never my best subject. Did I miss something?

I will be driving the boys to school in the morning and taking copies of the checks my bank cashed, printed directly from their website. Tell me I owe $29 more! I'm glad I keep track of money so well. LOL

Carlos Mencia

Now I've been to a total of three comedy shows in my life. The first was Dave Chapelle. He was friggen hilarious! Then recently, as you all know, we went to the Bob and Tom Show. That was hilarious! But tonight we went and saw Carlos Mencia. And OMG I laughed so hard throughout the whole two hours that I had tears and my cheeks now hurt. LOL

I can't even begin to describe how funny he is. He's one of those comedians that will talk about anything and everything, give his opinion and doesn't care if it offends. Because honestly, he says what most of us want to say.

On one of his comedy specials on Comedy Central he says, "I say the things you want to say but are too afraid to say." Mostly white people and how we're all too afraid to laugh at black jokes in public but will laugh our asses off in the safety of our homes. Sorry, that's not me. I laugh at white jokes. I laugh at black jokes. Doesn't matter your ethnicity, if it's funny to me, I laugh.

Anyway, he promised to come back again next year and we plan on being there. He said he'd be at the merchandise tables taking pics and signing autographs. So I decided I wanted a t-shirt. We stood in line not even ten minutes. I bought my t-shirt and had all the comics sign the back. When we got to Carlos, he handed my t-shirt back and said "Even though you're not getting a picture, come here. And he gave me a hug! Not one of those "Hey how ya doin'" type hugs. But a real squeezing hug. Then he looked over and went to give Jimmy a hug but paused when he saw the shirt Jimmy was wearing. Jimmy's shirt said "Thank you, I'll be performing here all night." Carlos made a joke and gave Jimmy a hug.

It was a great night. I had an awesome time. AND I GOT TO HUG CARLOS MENCIA!!!!

Terrified...

Today is Jay's birthday. Ok yesterday, since I see it's after midnight. My beautiful first born turned 11. I still remember every moment giving birth to him. And why shouldn't I? He's the only one I gave birth to without the aid of painkillers. LOL I miss the days of watching him learn to walk and talk. And here he is an 11 year old with a smart mouth and thinks he knows more about life than I do.

Next Monday, I will drop him off at school at 6am and will not see him until Wednesday after 4pm. Why? Because the 5th grade classes at his school are going on an extended field trip. They're going to Hendersonville, NC to a camp. A science camp that will be filled with LOTS of educational experiences. I know he'll enjoy himself and learn a lot, science is his favorite subject.

I'm having a hard time with just the thought of him going. It's cost a pretty penny, yet Jimmy worked extra to make sure this happened. I've been away from Jay before. Once before he was even two, he was away for an entire week in Georgia with my mother. Yet I was able to call him every night and tell him I love him. (I do that even when he spends the night out, otherwise I can't sleep.) I was away from him when he went camping with his boy scouts troop a couple of years ago. Yet, my wonderful sister-in-law went with him since Jimmy had to work and I was pregnant with Pheobe and Audrey. Both times were different. With the first, I was able to talk to him anytime I wanted. With the second, I knew he was in good hands.

This time, I don't really know the adults he'll be with. Yes the 5th grade teachers are going, as well as several parents as chaperones. But I can't call him to make sure he's safe. I can only pray we've taught him what's appropriate and inappropriate and will do what must be done if needed. I will be a complete basket case while he's gone. Praying for the best and hoping he has a great time doing what he loves the best...science stuff. Yet worrying that something horribly will go wrong. I can't help it. I've already lost two children. I don't know that I could be strong enough to have something happen to another child.

Please, my friends, help me be strong next week while he's gone.

Our first fight in 10 years...

Ok not really a fight. Jimmy and I don't fight. But last night, I actually snapped at him. I readily admit he's a true blood car guy. I half-heartedly listen when he talks about cars. It goes in one ear and out the other.

However, last night, after him having me look up parts for his truck, he decided to draw a picture showing the difference between shocks and struts. I looked at him and said, "You know what, Jimmy? I really could care less about the differences. It all goes in one ear and out the other. I'm not in to cars. I like how they look, but could care less about the insides. As long as they're working properly, I'm fine. And if you expect me to change, then maybe you married the wrong woman."

Of course after I said that, I immediately felt bad. We talked more about it tonight and reached an agreement that just because he's so into cars, he wouldn't push me on it unless I ask. Which, I do when I want to learn something.

All he got from me snapping was that he should have married another woman...he was hurt by that. And it wasn't that I meant I didn't want to be married to him. I told him that while I didn't understand his obsession with cars, that I didn't expect him to understand my obsession with raising our children, or my obsession with books or whatever I'm into.

That was the extent of our argument. LOL Still I feel bad for just snapping at him. We've worked it out, as usual. And I love him even more than ever. I'm so glad I chose him...or he chose me. :)