Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Baby Blues

Last night after Jackson's bath, I went to put a sleeper on him. For his shorts he wears 3-6 months. But for sleepers, he's in 6-9 months because he's so long. So I pulled out the bag of clothes my sister gave me to find all the 6-9 month clothes. As I was sorting through the clothes, I kept telling Jimmy, "This used to be Justin's." I got all teary eyed, of course, being the cry baby I am. LOL As I was going through these clothes, it hit me again that I will no longer give birth to any more babies. I've given birth to 6 children, and as most of you know, lost my twins in '04. My body is done. However, my heart is not. So while I was going through these clothes, Jimmy admitted that he has always felt he didn't love Jay enough when he was a baby. I (again) got all teary eyed and admitted I'd felt the same way. I was 20 when Jay was born and we got married. That is in no way an excuse for anything. But back then, all I could think about was, "Who can we get to babysit so we can go out partying?" I remember Jay watching through the window crying his eyes out when we would leave. It didn't matter if we were going to work, or going out. It got to where we'd wait until he fell asleep before we'd go out. By the time Justin came along 5 years later, we were settled down. But I feel like I missed out on so much with Jay. We didn't really get into the partying until Jay was over a year old. Old enough to be sad when he'd see Mommy and Daddy leave. With the rest of our children, I stayed home, didn't work. So I was there for everything. That just makes me more sad that I missed out on so much with Jay. I love him so much and I hope one day he understands how much.

1 comment:

Brigid said...

I know how you feel about the first baby. Remember I had John when I was 19, Rob and I just married also. Another part to it was that we had just moved to California and Rob was Navy - first time I had ever lived away from home.. Now that I can look back on it I was lonely, very young and a bit resentful that 1. I had to move away from my friends and 2. I was tied down with a baby while he atleast had friends and time away at work. Now I wish I had waited to have kids.. (I wish alot of things would have been different but those are for another time!) I cant help thinking I would be closer emotionaly to John if I had been closer to him as a babe. I didnt spend enough time enjoying it.