Thursday, November 30, 2006

Sorrow

I know Jimmy's been out of sorts lately. I chalked it up to work and that our van has been out of commission. That is until tonight. We were sitting on our patio smoking cigarettes because we haven't smoked in the house or around our children since Jackson came home from the hospital.

Anyway, tonight, we're outside when Jimmy whispers, "I miss our girls." I knew he was talking about Pheobe and Audrey. I admitted that I too miss them. It was then that we both broke down crying on each other's shoulders.

He feels he pushed me into delivering them too early. He didn't. We both heard the doctor and knew that there was no positive outcome. I admit that I wanted my girls so much but knew there was no positive outcome. I had three other children to think of. Call me selfish if you want. But I could not put those three children through years of neglect caring for two, or even one child taking all of my time.

I admit, I should have fought harder. But I knew the risks and the statistics. Does that make me a horrible parent? Yes and no. Had I not lost my girls, I wouldn't have Jackson. Despite all the medical problems he's had, I cannot imagine my life without him. Had my girls lived, I wouldn't have him.

I've been blessed in having people to talk and vent to, Heather, Jodi and Ami, most of all. But Jimmy has no one but me. Most times when something this tragic happens, most people tend to the mother, yet overlook the father. I hate that. Jimmy wanted these girls more than I did, I admit. When I was pregnant with them, my main concern was "How will I take care of 4 children in diapers?" I never once thought it was a blessing to have twins.

When I lost them, only then did I realize how much I wanted them. That should make me feel more guilty than Jimmy. He feels he "talked" me into giving birth to them too early knowing neither would live. I feel I resented being pregnant with twins that I caused the TTTS.

I think we both need help. Not for our marriage because there's nothing to change. But for ourselves. I have a wonderful relationship with Jimmy, But I hate that he feels he "talked" me into giving up the fight for our girls. I just don't know what to do.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh, Kaytee, You and Jimmy are in my prayers.

sonia said...

I'm so sorry :( He must have a ton of guilt...and it's not fair he carries that around with him everyday. Just remind him that everything happens for a reason.....and maybe he can get some type of therapy...someone, a 3rd party to tell him it's ok to feel guilty...but it's time to move on from it (((hugs)))))