Sunday, August 13, 2006

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Pheobe and Audrey, who today would have turned 2. As I lay in that recovery room, set further away from the rooms where mothers were holding their babies, I was given two books called Tender Memories, one for each baby I'd just given birth to but would never see grow up. Inside these books was this poem, written by one of the nurses.

Memories by Louise Prioleau

Memories are mine to keep

As you rest in your eternal sleep.

Memories of your heart beating its sound,

Until that moment, it could not be found.

If my heart could beat for you,

You would not lie there with that shade of blue.

The doctors and nurses did all they could

And I obtained prenatal care as I should.

Memories I can't erase,

Of your sweet and lovely face.

Memories of joy I felt,

As I held you close to my breast,

Your lifeless body in my arms,

As to protect you from further harm.

The unfortuante fact is that you've died,

Despite all efforts that were tried.

Cried, I did to no avail,

Your journey was over before the sail.

Get well wishes and sympathy greetings,

Flowers, phone calls and silent meetings

All expressed from the heart

Their sympathies to the void of your depart.

Yes, memories are mine to keep,

But, I did not get to rock you to sleep.

If tears could build a stairway, And memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven And bring you home again.~Author Unknown

What's sad is NO ONE in my family even aknowledged the day. My mother called (and she and I talk about my girls a lot) but she said not a word about the day. I felt like the only ones that remembered were me and Jimmy. I prefer people to talk to me about them. Ask me questions. Anything. It helps me to talk about them. I held everything in until late evening, when we decided to listen to music because the kids all love to dance. A song came on called 'Lonely Day' by System of a Down. I broke down in Jimmy's arms crying through the whole song and a few minutes afterwards. Thankfully the kids were occupied and didn't notice. Except for Jackson who crawled to us, pulled himself up and hugged us. We both looked down at him and Jimmy says, "He was worth it." And he's right. if Pheobe and Audrey hadn't died, we would NOT have Jackson.


Ami said...

This is a difficult anniversary for you, isn't it? Thank you for the courage to share.

Sunnie (Kaytee) said...

It's very difficult for me. I tried all day to be upbeat and everything. But this evening, it just got the best of me and I broke down in Jimmy's arms. He's been in bed for about an hour and I'm still crying. Though I have to agree with Jimmy when we were both crying and Jackson crawled over to us and stood up and hugged us, he said, "That sweet baby is worth it." And yes he is, but it doesn't take the hurt or the pain away.

Brigid said...

Hey girly - hugs and kisses to you both... I know how difficult it is for you. I made a very difficult choice and regret it to this day - I know it doesnt compare to loosing a child (children in your case) like you but even after 12 years it still hurts to think about it. The only advice I have for you is to try and not dwell. Go on with daily life; laugh and smile with the little ones you do have... I know it's a cliché "they are in a better place" but it does help to think that way. Some people ask "Dont you wish you could just forget?" I tell them no - I dont want to forget it - I just would like the pain of it to go away. The other cliché - "it gets better with time" it is true to a certain point - I think it gets easier in the fact that I just dont think about it as much anymore... but when I do it still hurts just as much... we just learn over time to move on. ~~T~~