There are days...

There are days when I almost resent being a stay at home mom. I miss going to work and meeting new people. I miss the freedom I had when I was single. I even miss the freedom I had when we only had Jay and it was easy to find a sitter for one.

I say almost, because I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. I LOVE being home with my kids. I grew up feeling unloved from my mother. Feeling she blamed me for being born, as she once told me. Terrified of being a mother only to treat my children as she treated me. Maybe that's why I chose to leave Jay with sitters whenever I had the chance. After all, I was only 20 when he was born.

However now, now that I'm older and more mature, I realize that I can choose how I live my life. I absolutely LOVE all of my children (and wish I could have more.) I have Jay, though I partied and worked my life away the first 3 years of his life, who is becoming a gorgeous young man who gets on my last nerve. We're dealing with stealing concerning him. He hasn't learned that I constantly know how much money is in my wallet. That's another story there.

There's Justin, who looks the most like me and is such a good child, even with my temperament. Sometimes, I want to say he's my favorite. (Anyone that denies they have a fave child is in denial or a liar.) He's so smart and everyone loves him. His teachers and the counselors at the homework club. The Homework club doesn't normally take kindergartners but one a year. This year Justin was chosen on a trial basis. So far all of the counselors have lectured their classes on how well behaved Justin is. And how they're giving him extra work to do while the other kids finish their homework. His teachers even send different homework sheets with him because he's more advanced than his classmates. I feel so proud that finally one of my kids loves learning like I did.

Then there's my Korinne. My only living daughter. Who is so like me that it scares me. She has my temper. My vindictiveness (that I've learned to control.) She even has my hair! Our hair is straight on the outer layer and curly on the inner layer. She's so beautiful that I worry so much for her safety. I dare anyone to hurt her. I will cut them down so fast, they won't be able to breathe!

Then there's my Jackson, who has been through so much. Yet he's the most loving baby I've ever seen. I took him outside yesterday to play and he spotted his older brothers and took off running to them. As soon as he reached Justin, he threw his little arms around him and just squeezed. Then he did the same with Jay. During the day while it's just him, Korinne and me, he is constantly holding on of us. I've never seen a more giving and loving baby. And yet, I pray he'll be a healthy baby soon. He's got an appointment this month with an endocrinologist for failure to thrive. He's got constant appointments for hearing tests because they believe he has a mild hearing loss. I can't give him regular foods because he has mild allergies to milk, eggs, and peanuts. He has upcoming speech therapies because he's almost 18 months and doesn't talk. (The doctors are thinking it's because of his hearing loss.) Despite everything he's going through, I've never met a more loving baby. He gets so excited when his Daddy walks in the door for lunch or for the evening. He gets so excited when the boys come home from school.

The only thing that could make my life more complete is if I had Pheobe and Audrey with me. I know they're here in my heart. But I want to HOLD them. I want to see them grow. They would be 2 1/2 years old now. Had they lived. I see them in my mind and they're absolutely beautiful!

Despite me missing my carefree days, after reading all I wrote, can you blame me for choosing the life I have? I can't. Despite my moments, I love my life. I love my children. I love having my home clean and dinner ready when Jimmy comes home. I swear I'm a throwback from the 50s. LOL