I think I'm going to have a panic attack...

Seriously. Jackson's medicaid was supposed to be up for renewal in August once he turned 1. I called our caseworker and she assured me that Jackson would be taken off infant's medicaid and placed on children's medicaid along with the three older ones. I asked when their medicaid was up for renewal and was told December. So I assumed since Jackson was being added to the same "group" as the three older that we had at least until November 30th to either renew or have the kids put on Jimmy's insurance through work.

Yesterday I get a letter in the mail stating Jackson's medicaid expires as of October 1st. I couldn't breathe! I felt like my world was collapsing. Jackson has three appointments this week. Tomorrow with the plastic surgeon, Wednesday for his synagis shot to prevent RSV, and Thursday for more allergy testing. I have to call and reschedule the plastic surgeon's appointment because the surgeon will be in surgery at the time Jackson's appointment was originally set. So I get a reprieve for that. But I can't avoid the other two.

I plan on calling the caseworker first thing in the morning to find out what happened. Jimmy is going to have the kids added to his insurance, like I've been bugging him to for a month. Then I have to call and find out how much the synagis shot and allergy tests are going to cost. I have no idea how we'll pay for that. I have very few jewelry pieces to pawn. Jimmy could get a loan from work. But with all the appointments Jackson requires, we'll be in debt very very soon. And we just got caught up with everything!

I'm not looking for pity. We chose to have all these children. We choose to have me stay home rather than work outside the home. But Jimmy does work hard. The only reason the kids are on medicaid this year was because when their renewal came up we were short paystubs since Jimmy switched jobs and was out of work so much when Jackson was born and was in the hospital.

This has been bothering me all day. I've held it in all day because when Jimmy got home last night and I showed him the letter he said, "There's nothing we can do about it right now so let's just enjoy our weekend." Easy for him to say. I'm the one that stresses over everything.

As far as Jay's progress reports, I learned why he may be failing Social Studies. Recently Jay switched homerooms. The teacher he started with ended up having more resource students so they move at a slower pace. All the homeroom teachers teach social studies to their class. They switch classes for Language Arts, Math and Science. When Jay was in his first homeroom they moved slowly. When he switched, that class was ahead of the other class. So in the transition he lost a chapter or two in Social Studies. That may, and I stress MAY explain the F in Social Studies. Hopefully when we have the parent/teacher conference, I'll learn more.

I've wanted to talk about all Jackson's appointments all day today with Jimmy but I didn't want to ruin his day off. So I've held it all in and tried my best to make it seem like nothing was wrong. The worst part? I had my one and only fleeting moment of resentment towards Jackson. I was outside hunting Justin down and thinking if Jackson weren't here, I wouldn't be stressing about how to pay these medical bills. What kind of awful parent thinks that??!! I'm a terrible parent. I do NOT want Jackson gone. I cannot imagine my life without him and don't want to. I've been feeling guilty all day for that one fleeting thought. As soon as I got back home, I just held him and wanted to cry.

So here I am, pouring my heart out on my blog. I figure I better let it out somewhere before I really do have a nervous breakdown.