Tis The Season

I've never really thought there were many generous people. A lot online (y'all) but rarely in real life. So I was shocked today when Jimmy came home for lunch with this huge box stocked full of toys. One of his co-workers, who's only been there since the summer, gave Jimmy the box. Apparently he and his wife do this every Christmas year, buy lots of toys and give them to someone he works with. He told Jimmy that we were picked this year. This guy had 5 kids so he understands how hard it can be.

Jimmy's not one to tell a bunch of people our problems, but this guy apparently, knowing how many children we have, listened, I mean really listened to what Jimmy wasn't saying. I, of course, started crying when I saw everything stuffed into that box.

Then Jimmy came home with a grand. He'd finished the side job he'd been working on and had called the guy Monday and told him to pick it up Wednesday and bring money. I was given permission to let my inner bitch out Friday morning if the guy didn't show. And believe me, I would have loved that moment. LOL It's been awhile. LOL He talked to the guy yesterday and was told that he would be by today to pick up his vehicle and pay Jimmy. When he didn't show up by 4, he showed up at his business. Jimmy was not happy he had to show up in person, but he was paid nonetheless. So I can go shopping this weekend! I cannot wait! I'm so friggen excited! Jimmy doesn't really like to shop, so my mom is going with me. I don't like shopping alone. LOL

Justin was sick on Tuesday, home with a fever. He seemed fine the next morning so I sent him to school so he wouldn't miss his Christmas party. When he came home, his fever was back. He had a small fever this morning that went away. It's back. 101 orally. Not too bad, considering it was 102 on Tuesday. NOW, Jackson is running a fever. 103 under the arm. I can't take his temp using the ear thermometer because his canals are so narrow no one has ever seen his his ear drums. He's too young for under the tongue and I've never been able to bring myself to take a temp rectally.

I'm calling the doctor in the morning. I'd rather be safe than sorry since it's Christmas weekend. He's also pulling at his ears. I hope it's just a virus, but again better safe than sorry.

Even funnier than last year

I saw this decoration last year and it still cracks me up this year. It looks like a penis. It's supposed to be a candle. But yesterday when Jimmy came home I said, "Look Honey, the penis is in the window again." LOL This picture doesn't really do it justice. LOL

Story behind the picture in my profile

The picture is actually upside down. You're actually looking at the reflection of Korinne and me. This is the hood of the Escort wagon we had that Jimmy painted. I happened to be standing by it when Jimmy took a picture. That's how shiny the hood was. Jimmy calls this picture 'Reflections'.

Blogger Beta?

For those on blogspot, are any of you using the beta program? I'm not quite sure how I like it. Though I did finally get a picture in my profile. So I'm quite happy about that. LOL

I don't understand the rest yet. I can change my templates fairly easy, but I'm worried I'll lose something and I just don't know how I'd go about fixing it back. LOL For anyone using the Beta program, what can you tell me that will help and make it easy and fun? Thanks in advance. :)

Accident prone...

Damn I'm so accident prone lately! First I fell on a toy and knocked myself unconscious. Then the other night, I lose my balance trying to turn the light off and fall into the Christmas tree completely breaking the stand and some ornaments.

So here's what happened. The tree was set up directly under the cord to turn the light off on the ceiling fan. Normally I have to stand on tippy toes to reach it anyway. With the tree being under it, I had to stand on tippy toes WHILE leaning over to turn the light off. However Wednesday night, as I was attempting to turn the light off, I lost my balance and fell into the tree and fell hard on my butt.

So not only did I break the tree stand and bruise my butt, I broke all of my girls' ornaments. The twins and Korinne's. I was able to buy a new stand today but have yet to find ornaments to replace those I broke.

I woke up the next morning, knowing what had happened and felt like the worst mother in the world! To credit my kids, they didn't question what happened to the tree or the broken ornaments. God I love them!

So now I'm walking around very very carefully because I hurt so bad. I didn't even realize I used butt muscles for the littlest things like coughing. LOL Now I know.

Sorrow

I know Jimmy's been out of sorts lately. I chalked it up to work and that our van has been out of commission. That is until tonight. We were sitting on our patio smoking cigarettes because we haven't smoked in the house or around our children since Jackson came home from the hospital.

Anyway, tonight, we're outside when Jimmy whispers, "I miss our girls." I knew he was talking about Pheobe and Audrey. I admitted that I too miss them. It was then that we both broke down crying on each other's shoulders.

He feels he pushed me into delivering them too early. He didn't. We both heard the doctor and knew that there was no positive outcome. I admit that I wanted my girls so much but knew there was no positive outcome. I had three other children to think of. Call me selfish if you want. But I could not put those three children through years of neglect caring for two, or even one child taking all of my time.

I admit, I should have fought harder. But I knew the risks and the statistics. Does that make me a horrible parent? Yes and no. Had I not lost my girls, I wouldn't have Jackson. Despite all the medical problems he's had, I cannot imagine my life without him. Had my girls lived, I wouldn't have him.

I've been blessed in having people to talk and vent to, Heather, Jodi and Ami, most of all. But Jimmy has no one but me. Most times when something this tragic happens, most people tend to the mother, yet overlook the father. I hate that. Jimmy wanted these girls more than I did, I admit. When I was pregnant with them, my main concern was "How will I take care of 4 children in diapers?" I never once thought it was a blessing to have twins.

When I lost them, only then did I realize how much I wanted them. That should make me feel more guilty than Jimmy. He feels he "talked" me into giving birth to them too early knowing neither would live. I feel I resented being pregnant with twins that I caused the TTTS.

I think we both need help. Not for our marriage because there's nothing to change. But for ourselves. I have a wonderful relationship with Jimmy, But I hate that he feels he "talked" me into giving up the fight for our girls. I just don't know what to do.

So cute....

Korinne says, "Mommy, you know who my best buddy is?" I say, "Hannah?" She says, "No, Jackson and then Hannah." How cute is it that right now her little brother is her best buddy? LOL

I'm such a shit!

Ok chalk it up to a horrible mommy moment!

Earlier today we saw the nutritionist at the WIC office. She's concerned that Jackson weighs just under 18 lbs and just turned 15 months. For any parents out there that know what the growth chart is, he's just under the 5th percentile for both height and weight. Meaning 95% of babies his age are bigger than he is. She wants me to give him foods that have more calories. The biggest problem is his apparent allergies to dairy, eggs, and peanuts.

Tonight I bought a 6 pack of pediasure that said lactose free. Only AFTER giving him some of it did I realize it contains milk products. He drank a total of 2 ounces before I took it from him.

Here it is, 12:30 am and his face is blotchy, he keeps rubbing his eyes and he's wide awake. I've given him benadryl for the allergies and tylenol because he's teething. When I say teething, his top gums are swollen on only the left side. As if he's getting his left front tooth and the one directly to the left. I've swabbed his gums with baby orajel. But nothing I've done is working. He's still splotchy, still cranky and still wide awake.

Jimmy wanted to stay up and help with him. But I sent him to bed. He NEEDS to be alert enough to do his job. I can nap when the kids nap. My other kids never had these problems.

I feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach. First Jackson has Diaphragmatic Hernia, has surgery for that, then has Craniosynostosis, has surgery for that, and NOW has allergies. How am I supposed to get him to gain weight when most everything out there has milk, eggs or peanuts?

Heather, bless her heart for outing me as Kaytee (Not a big deal, just have to tease), did give me a couple of websites to check out for tofu that might help Jackson gain weight. I plan on checking those out very soon. Jackson has his 15 month check up Tuesday and I plan on insisting something be decided concerning Jackson's lack of weight gain.

I'm just at a loss. I've got three older children that I never had to worry about what I fed them, they ate it, at least until they were old enough to refuse food. LOL Now I have to check ingredients on everything I give Jackson. Thankfully, the nutritionist gave me a list of things to look for in ingredients concerning milk, eggs and peanuts.

Wish me luck!

No more fever!

We got up this morning and no child had a fever in this house! Yay! I will update later on my appointment with the nutritionist for Jackson.

Ugh!

I took the older three in for their annual check ups. Decided to get their flu shots out of the way. So Justin got one shot (flu), Jay got two (flu and tetanus) and Korinne got three (flu, DTAP, and MMR.) While at the doctor's office, Justin's temp was 100.1. Not too high, but enough to know that if I even bothered sending him to school I'd get a phone call telling me to pick him up and I knew I wouldn't have the car.

So after almost two hours at the pediatricians office, we made our way home...or rather to the school...45 minute drive. I signed Jay in and went to Justin's class to get the homework he would be missing. We did our errands, getting bread and meds, both of which we were out of, then got Jimmy from work. I managed to get Justin to take medicine, which is always a fight. And he even took a nap, so I knew he wasn't feeling well.

Well about 15 minutes ago, Korinne comes wandering out and says, "Mommy can you tuck me in?" I feel her head, she's burning up. I take her temp...103.2. So I fought her to get meds in her, gave her a sippy cup of juice and tucked her in.

Will Jay or Jackson be next? Is this just a short virus of will it turn in to the flu? I'd be more suspicious if Justin hadn't already had a fever when he got his flu shot. So I'm hoping it's just a short virus and that Jackson avoids it.

I have to take Jackson to the doctor anytime he gets sick because of his medical history. Now that we have a co-pay, that really adds up. LOL So please hope and pray Jackson avoids this go around.

Beware...

of baby toys.

Apparently this past Friday, I knocked myself unconscious from Jackson's toys. I remember nothing from climbing over the gate to turn the tv off. From what Jimmy and I have gathered, I climbed over the gate into the living room and turned the Tv off. From there, it's a blur.

From what we can gather, I tried to climb back over the gate, lost my footing and instead of falling forward, I fell backward. Jimmy woke up at 6am and found me passed out in the living room, inside the gate. He looked for blood. Later I found where I'd hit my head in the back and found a scab.

So from what we gather, I went into the gate unharmed, turned the tv off, tried to go back over the gate, caught my foot and rather than fall forward, I fell backward, hit my head on one of Jackson's toys, that was sharp and knocked myself unconscious. I still have the scab on my skull.

Jimmy said he knew it wasn't from me drinking to much because he'd marked the vodka bottle and it was at the same place. LOL

So please be ware of baby toys. LOL

Where Have I Been??

Has anyone else wondered that about me? LOL

I've been busy. Planning my 2nd ever Thanksgiving meal. Last year it was just my mother that came for the actual dinner. My sister and her family came later after having their meal with his family. This year, it'll be my mother, brother, cousin, and maybe one of my aunt's. If all comes, that's 10 people total. Not as many as we had for Jackson's birthday party, but enough to make my palms sweat and my head already hurt.

I don't do well with a lot of people in my home. I like things just so. Actually I'm selfish that I don't like sharing my time with Jimmy with anyone else. LOL

Needless to say, we're having dinner here. We've got our turkey thawing in the fridge. We've got a bag of fresh corn on the cob, a bag of potatoes for the homemade mashed taters. I've got a list of other foods we'll be having. And I'm fortunate enough that the director of the Homework club is loaning us a long folding table.

I love Thanksgiving with all the wonderful food. But I'm already ready to pull my hair out. I'm not used to having Thanksgiving here. I thought last year was a fluke it turned out so well. LOL

So what in the world was up with the weather today??!! It was freezing when I drove the boys to the bus stop. It was raining with fat slushy drops falling on my windshield. Later in the morning, I look out the window and see, of all things, SNOW! My heart dropped at first. I live in the south for a reason! No snow! Then, of course, I was elated that just because it was snowing, it wasn't sticking. I admit, it was beautiful watching it fall. I even tried taking a picture, but my camera is just not good enough for weather shots. It's just perfect for my uses for it, which are taking pictures of my family. So here's some for you. :)

I just love sleeping poses. LOL

My baby is home...

Ok he's 11. He's not a baby anymore. But, all my babies are my babies, and that won't change no matter how old they get.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law are in town from Tennessee. Got here yesterday. Came over here to visit and watch Justin, Korinne, and Jackson while I went to the school to get Jay. We were told to be there at 4pm. Their bus didn't get there until 4:45. Yes I had tears in my eyes when I saw that bus and saw Jay in a window. I was so happy he was home and safe. When I was able to actually see him, I gave him the biggest hug ever and tried to hold my tears back so I wouldn't embarrass him.

Obviously he had a great time because as soon as I got him until he went to bed he didn't shut up for a single minute.

I can't wait to get the pics developed from the disposable cameras he took. I'm glad he enjoyed himself while I was a basket case. I hope to God there are no more field trips like this anytime soon. LOL

I survived

Well I survived my first night with Jay being away. I slept, though restless it was. It was a little weird going to the bus stop with only Justin. But, I know Jay will be home tomorrow. I know he's having a blast, so I will try not to worry too much. LOL Yeah right, who am I kidding? LOL

17+ Hours

17 plus hours, Jay has been gone. Not only are Jimmy and I unsettled about not being able to just call and say good night, but Jackson, who shares a room with Jay is unsettled. I assume so because here it is 11:30 pm and Jackson is wide awake, so unlike him.

I KNOW I'm going to have a hard time sleeping. It just didn't dawn on me that anyone else would have a problem with it.

GOD I love my children!

Jackson's new 'do

Before (the green is from a crayon he tried to eat)

After (I can see his eyes!!!)

T-10 hours

In about ten hours, Jay will be on a bus and on his way to North Carolina. He's all packed and ready to go. He has two disposable cameras, a flashlight, and a composition book in his back pack. I told him I expect to see pics of the scenery and not just his friends. LOL He's excited. I'm nervous. He's talking a mile a minute he's so excited. And I want him to shut up! LOL I have no doubt I will cry in the morning. I know he'll be back Wednesday. But still he's going to be in another state and not with a family member. This is going to be the longest three days of my life. LOL

Back in September, I posted about Field Trips and Fundraisers. Jay leaves Monday morning. Well today Jay was sent home with a letter saying we still owed $29 and had to pay by 9:00 am tomorrow or he can't go. I, of course, became angry. You don't just forget writing checks for that amount of money. Here's how it is with my figures.

1. Camp Kanuga cost $220
2. Impromptu Style day raised money to lower cost to $210
3. 9/14 sent check for $100 deposit....balance left, $110
4. Had fundraiser earned $16 towards balance....balance left $94
5. 10/15 sent check for $45....balance left $49
6. 10/26 sent check for $49....balance left $0

Ok so please recheck my math, since math was never my best subject. Did I miss something?

I will be driving the boys to school in the morning and taking copies of the checks my bank cashed, printed directly from their website. Tell me I owe $29 more! I'm glad I keep track of money so well. LOL

Carlos Mencia

Now I've been to a total of three comedy shows in my life. The first was Dave Chapelle. He was friggen hilarious! Then recently, as you all know, we went to the Bob and Tom Show. That was hilarious! But tonight we went and saw Carlos Mencia. And OMG I laughed so hard throughout the whole two hours that I had tears and my cheeks now hurt. LOL

I can't even begin to describe how funny he is. He's one of those comedians that will talk about anything and everything, give his opinion and doesn't care if it offends. Because honestly, he says what most of us want to say.

On one of his comedy specials on Comedy Central he says, "I say the things you want to say but are too afraid to say." Mostly white people and how we're all too afraid to laugh at black jokes in public but will laugh our asses off in the safety of our homes. Sorry, that's not me. I laugh at white jokes. I laugh at black jokes. Doesn't matter your ethnicity, if it's funny to me, I laugh.

Anyway, he promised to come back again next year and we plan on being there. He said he'd be at the merchandise tables taking pics and signing autographs. So I decided I wanted a t-shirt. We stood in line not even ten minutes. I bought my t-shirt and had all the comics sign the back. When we got to Carlos, he handed my t-shirt back and said "Even though you're not getting a picture, come here. And he gave me a hug! Not one of those "Hey how ya doin'" type hugs. But a real squeezing hug. Then he looked over and went to give Jimmy a hug but paused when he saw the shirt Jimmy was wearing. Jimmy's shirt said "Thank you, I'll be performing here all night." Carlos made a joke and gave Jimmy a hug.

It was a great night. I had an awesome time. AND I GOT TO HUG CARLOS MENCIA!!!!

Terrified...

Today is Jay's birthday. Ok yesterday, since I see it's after midnight. My beautiful first born turned 11. I still remember every moment giving birth to him. And why shouldn't I? He's the only one I gave birth to without the aid of painkillers. LOL I miss the days of watching him learn to walk and talk. And here he is an 11 year old with a smart mouth and thinks he knows more about life than I do.

Next Monday, I will drop him off at school at 6am and will not see him until Wednesday after 4pm. Why? Because the 5th grade classes at his school are going on an extended field trip. They're going to Hendersonville, NC to a camp. A science camp that will be filled with LOTS of educational experiences. I know he'll enjoy himself and learn a lot, science is his favorite subject.

I'm having a hard time with just the thought of him going. It's cost a pretty penny, yet Jimmy worked extra to make sure this happened. I've been away from Jay before. Once before he was even two, he was away for an entire week in Georgia with my mother. Yet I was able to call him every night and tell him I love him. (I do that even when he spends the night out, otherwise I can't sleep.) I was away from him when he went camping with his boy scouts troop a couple of years ago. Yet, my wonderful sister-in-law went with him since Jimmy had to work and I was pregnant with Pheobe and Audrey. Both times were different. With the first, I was able to talk to him anytime I wanted. With the second, I knew he was in good hands.

This time, I don't really know the adults he'll be with. Yes the 5th grade teachers are going, as well as several parents as chaperones. But I can't call him to make sure he's safe. I can only pray we've taught him what's appropriate and inappropriate and will do what must be done if needed. I will be a complete basket case while he's gone. Praying for the best and hoping he has a great time doing what he loves the best...science stuff. Yet worrying that something horribly will go wrong. I can't help it. I've already lost two children. I don't know that I could be strong enough to have something happen to another child.

Please, my friends, help me be strong next week while he's gone.

Our first fight in 10 years...

Ok not really a fight. Jimmy and I don't fight. But last night, I actually snapped at him. I readily admit he's a true blood car guy. I half-heartedly listen when he talks about cars. It goes in one ear and out the other.

However, last night, after him having me look up parts for his truck, he decided to draw a picture showing the difference between shocks and struts. I looked at him and said, "You know what, Jimmy? I really could care less about the differences. It all goes in one ear and out the other. I'm not in to cars. I like how they look, but could care less about the insides. As long as they're working properly, I'm fine. And if you expect me to change, then maybe you married the wrong woman."

Of course after I said that, I immediately felt bad. We talked more about it tonight and reached an agreement that just because he's so into cars, he wouldn't push me on it unless I ask. Which, I do when I want to learn something.

All he got from me snapping was that he should have married another woman...he was hurt by that. And it wasn't that I meant I didn't want to be married to him. I told him that while I didn't understand his obsession with cars, that I didn't expect him to understand my obsession with raising our children, or my obsession with books or whatever I'm into.

That was the extent of our argument. LOL Still I feel bad for just snapping at him. We've worked it out, as usual. And I love him even more than ever. I'm so glad I chose him...or he chose me. :)

Trick or Treat

I didn't even think to take pictures of the kids this year. Damn me! Jay wore the same costume as last year, a zombie. Justin was a ninja, minus the head tie. Korinne was Belle. Though I see her at least once a week in that costume. Jackson didn't have a costume. He stayed home with Jimmy while Jimmy passed out candy.

This year, Jimmy didn't dress up in his Monk costume, yet Korinne convinced me to dress in my tavern wench costume.

We walked through the complex trying to guess who was "selling" candy, as my boys were saying. My kids were polite and said 'Thank you' every time they were given candy.

When we returned home, I carefully studied each piece of candy and separated the candies I knew they wouldn't eat with ones they would. The ones I knew they wouldn't eat, was then distributed to other trick or treaters. LOL We now have a Walmart size bag 3/4 full of candy, and heavier than Jackson. I swear! LOL That candy will last them quite a while since it's hidden and will be doled out.

All in all, it was a good night. My kids and I had fun. And their fun is what matters.

Horror movies

I love them. I freely admit them. There hasn't been a single horror movie to date that I've seen that's scared me. Ok wait, I take that back. The first Nightmare on Elm Street scared the bejeesus out of me. However, I was 10 years old, it was after midnight and my mother woke me up to watch it with her, threatening to ground me if I fell sleep.

Anyway, tonight we watched An American Haunting. It was such a good movie! I made Jimmy watch it with me. He's not into horror movies but every once in a while, I can convince him to watch with me. Towards the end of the movie, we paused it for a potty break. As I was walking down the hall, I heard a crash. I turn around and see Jimmy's drinking flying. I ran back into the living room and he's on the floor. He says he was stepping over the gate and all of a sudden he fell. He swears that his foot cleared the gate and he doesn't understand how he fell.

Anyway, the movie really was good. I plan on buying it soon. I hope to convince Jimmy to go see Saw 3 with me as soon as we can afford it and I can get a sitter lined up. LOL

Friggen Red Ribbon Week!

It's been Red Ribbon week at the boys' school this week. Learning drugs are bad, m'kay. Well now Justin is terrified that he and his sister and brothers are going to be taken away from us. Here's how the conversation went. He says, "You and Daddy do drugs." I said, "Justin we do not do drugs." He said, "Uh Huh 'cause you smoke cigarettes." I said, "Justin if you go around telling people we do drugs, they're going to take you away from us. We smoke cigarettes, we do not do drugs." He got upset and started crying. That's when he said he told his PE teacher that we do drugs. I said, "Well did you tell her it was cigarettes?" He said he couldn't remember. So this morning, I called his teacher, left a message and emailed her telling her that because of Red Ribbon week and them teaching him tobacco is a drug (which I'm sure it is) that my son is now paranoid that he's going to be taken away from me. While tobacco may be a drug, it sure as hell isn't heroin or something like that. I'm sure half those teachers at the school teaching tobacco is a drug smoke themselves!

WOOHOO! Finally!

Finally after weeks of trying to add Jackson to Jimmy's insurance at work, he's added. Thank GOD! Now that's one less thing to worry about. I already learned his allergist/asthma doctor takes that insurance. So now I just have to call the other specialists and find out. I already know his pediatrician takes it cause he was on the provider list.

The small things that make my day! I even went to his Jimmy's account and made sure and sure enough it shows Jackson as a dependent finally.

Strange dream

Yesterday afternoon, I had the strangest dream during my nap. I was at some blogger get together. Jimmy and the kids were there. It seemed to be breaking up. Jimmy was talking to someone about what else? Cars. LOL So I load up our cooler and stuff into the stroller to take to the van. As Justin and I are walking a man comes up to me to introduce himself. "Hello, my name is Finnigan Cross." He had a lovely irish accent and was quite breathtaking. I introduced myself and offered my hand to shake. Instead he brought my hand to his lips for a soft kiss. I quickly became uncomfortable. He starts saying, "I see your personality in your blog, yet you're more reserved in person. What is the real you?" Confused, I say, "I'm who I am on my blog and in person." As we're talking, I'm still heading to the van, with Justin beside me. We're passing a picnic bench when he grabs me by the waist and pulls me to sit beside him, too close for comfort. I inch away from him and say, "It was nice meeting you, but I've got to put this stuff up and gather my family." I go to stand and he pulls me down again. I stand again, grabbed Justin's hand and start pushing the stroller again.

Here's where it gets stranger. As we're walking away again, with him following, we pass this animal crate that has a small mountain lion (or something like that) a chimpanzee, and a couple other zoo animals. I guess trying to be suave, Finnigan Cross says, "Wait here, I will get the mountain lion (it was an infant) and your son can pet it." I pause for a moment and watch him try to extract this animal from the cage. However, as he's lifting the animal, the cage falls apart and the chimp jumps on his head. I start laughing and Justin and I leave him there to play with the animals. On the way to the car, I pass Janet. Yes the Janet I met at the blognic. I'm muttering under my breath about persistent men when she says, "Let me guess. you met Finnigan Cross." When I said yes, she says, "He shows up every once in a while trying to persuade some woman to run off with him." I said, "Well it sure won't be this woman."

Then I woke up. Now I'm completely curious about this dream. I've never met a Finnigan, or even a Cross. Hell the only person I've met with an Irish accent is the receptionist at Jackson's plastic surgeon's office. LOL I also don't know why I was dreaming about a blog get together and only talked to Janet. LOL

It was certainly a strange dream and Jimmy thought so as well when I told him. Now the Cross part may be because I just bought one of Nora Roberts' new book and it's called Morrigan's Cross. So who knows. LOL

Cute photos...

Tonight, Jackson was having a blast playing with his Daddy. To the point of exhaustion. But he was too afraid to fall asleep, I gues for fear he'd miss something. I was online playing a game on AOL when it all of a sudden got quiet. I look over and this is what I see.

I've captioned it as "I'm not tired. I'm just gonna rest my head a min...."

Every once in a while...

a new song will come along that can bring you to tears or even to your knees. As all of you who regularly read this blog, you know all about my twins. And how depressing and hurt I was by it. I'm moving on. I really am. I think of them every day, but my loss no longer consumes me. Yet every once in awhile, a new song will come onto the radio. As someone who LOVES to sing and ALWAYS pay attention to the lyrics, this song has both brought me to my knees and made me cry. It's Falls Apart, by Hurt. The lyrics are here. I tried posting a link to where you can actually hear the song, but it's not working.

To continue previous post in a way...

I'd made arrangements to have my friend come over at 10am to watch my kids so I could go to work to help Jimmy prep a vehicle to paint. I watch Lori's oldest after school every day for about an hour and a half. The reason Lori was adamant about watching my kids this weekend was because last weekend she was in a bind and needed me to wath her infant on Sunday, knowing that Sundays are our family days and we do nothing with other people on those days.

Well Lori didn't get here until just before 12. So I took her car and left mine with her...just in case...mine will fit her, her baby and my 4 kids. Hers wouldn't. So I get to Jimmy's work and get put to work sanding. Now I know NOTHING about repairing vehicles, so sanding is perfect for me. I sanded off and on this '85 bronco to help Jimmy. By the time I left at 6pm, he was finishing up taping it so it could be ready to paint in the morning.

From there I stopped by the liquor store because I desperatly wanted Goldschlager. I put gas in her car cause it was almost on E. Then went home. My kids were good for her, btw. When I followed her to her car as she was leaving, she opened the passenger door, grabbed a plastic up and poured the contents out on the road. She looked at me and said, "How did you manage to drive all over with my cup of mountain dew 3/4 full?" I said I didn't even know it was there. LOL She said she remembered it just after I'd left. I said, "So were you thinking I'd get here and your floor would be covered with soda?" She said if it had been her driving, it would have been. So I felt really good about my driving skills after that.

Before I went home, I noticed her gas gage was just about on E. So I stoppefd and put gas in her car taking it from almost empty to 3/4 full. When she noticed that she tried to pay me but I refused. I can afford to fill up my tank. She's always worried about food and gas for her two since her husband that she's seperated from refuses to help her. So why shouldn't I use her to babysite then pay her for it. I watch her daughter every day after school and the ONLY reason I get paid is because she's too proud to take advantage of our friendship. Her daughter is here for an hour and a half and is no bother at all and even helps me with Jackson when I need it. Her daughter is 12.

Anywho....this is a glimpse of my life lately. Enjoy. LOL

Horrible sister moment...

Ok back in April I borrowed my brother-in-law's truck to pick up Korinne's bed and mattress. While doing so, I managed to pull out (turning left) and hit an Explorer. Everyone close to me found that extremely odd since I'm one of those that will check 50 million times before pulling out Yet this Explorer totally came out of no where. Turned out the truck I borowed, didn't even belong to my brother-in-law. It belonged to his parents. Well my Jimmy, who works on cars told my BIL not to file a claim on it because he would fix it himself.

Since then, My Jimmy has tried to get the truck to him to fix. There was always one reason or another why it couldn't be brought. My BIL kept saying don't worry about it and even wrecked it again on the same side. Then the truck was "sold" to someone else. My Jimmy made himself available for a month to fix the truck, yet no one ever showed up. (I say "My Jimmy" because my sister also married Jimmy.) Turned out the person who "bought" the truck never paid for it so my sister's in-laws took it back.

The other night when My Jimmy snapped at me and bit my head off was because my sister had called and said her MIL wanted to know when it would be convenient for My Jimmy to fix the truck. Now all it needs is for the fender to be pulled out and a light replaced.

So this morning my sister calls and says, "Jimmy wants to know when he can bring the truck to your Jimmy." Something inside me totally snapped and I went off on my sister. I informed her that My Jimmy had tried to get it fixed several times and no one would bring him the truck. Then I said her MIL would just have to wait because My Jimmy has other obligations that supercede that truck. She said she had to call her Jimmy anfd tell him it would be at least a few weeks.

So I called her back ten minutes later to ask if her Jimmy was mad. He wasn't. Because he knows how busy my Jimmy is, and remembers how many times my Jimmy called him to try to get the truck to fix. Shannon said it wasn't Jimmy that was pushing it, it was his mom. I said, "Well your MIL can just kiss my ass. Jimmy tried several times to fix it and was told 'Oh it's no big deal' then when the truck was supposedly sold he was told 'Don't worry about it anymore, the guy can deal with it.' and now your MIL is pushing it?! She can just wait her turn." Yes I KNOW I damaged her truck. But we tried to fix it in the very beginning. Now Jimmy has other obligations and she's just going to have to wait her turn.

Of course I immediately felt bad for laying it all on my sister and apologized immediately. I made sure to tell her that I didn't want Her Jimmy mad at me. I have to see Her Jimmy, I don't have to see his parents, so I could care less whether they're mad at me. Well after I told Jimmy all of this, he waqnts my sister's MIL to call him herself and they make their own arrangements. It's not fair for my sister to be pulled in the middle of this. When I borrowed the truck, I was under the impression that it belonged to my BIL, NOT his parents. It was only when I was getting the registration and proof of insurance that I learned otherwise. His parents have insurance on it, yet it's kept at my sister's house. They do NOT want to push this very far. Coming from someone who was an automobile insurance agent, I know they (his parents) can get into A LOT of trouble for insuring a vehicle and allowing it to be kept at a different address. And I would totally turn them in.

This time when I brought up the truck to Jimmy he didn't bite my head off. So you can all be rest assured my head is still attached to my body. LOL

Total Blonde Moment!

You know, the one where blondes are complete airheads? Well that is so me.

I got up this morning, nothing unusual, started cleaning and vacuuming so Jackson could come out of his cage and walk around more. (His cage is this 6 sided playpen some of you saw at the blognic. I have it arranged around the living room so he's confined there.) Well Jimmy calls just after 9 and asks me to bring him breakfast. Sure, I say. On the way there, I remembered Jackson had an appointment at the WIC office with the dietician, at 9am. So I'm thinking, "Oh shit, I completely forgot!"

So when we get back home, I double check my calendar and yes his appointment was on a Thursday. So I call the WIC office and leave a message. She calls me back completely understanding then gently informs me that his appointment had been LAST Thursday! WHAT??!! How the hell did I lose a week?! So I'm even more mortified. She assures me it's not a big deal and we reschedule his appointment. That one is now on 26th at 9...so someone please remind me. LOL

Ok so after I hang up with her, it dawns on me that I should double check my calendar and to my horror I realize he had an appointment scheduled for this past Monday with the allergist. UGH! I called the allergist and explained what happened. She assured me it was not a problem and we would just reschedule his appointment. Though we held off on that until I get confirmation that Jackson is covered through Jimmy's insurance. (The allergist DOES take that particular insurance, so that's a relief.)

Seriously...I know I'm blonde, but I've never had such a blonde moment. Man I'm such an airhead! How could I totally space out like that. I've never missed a single appointment since I had Jay almost 11 years. And I miss TWO within a week of each other. Jimmy's gonna get a kick out of this. Not sure how long til I can live it down. LOL

The Color of my Brain...

I nabbed this from Eugene. It looked fun, so I tried it out.

It wouldn't let me publish the code because it said "Your HTML cannot be accepted: Closing tag has no matching opening tag: < / a >." I have no idea what that means or how to even fix it. So, the result of the color of my brain is, it's blue. Here's what it said about me.

• At work or in school: I like to be with people, sharing with them, inspiring them, and helping them. I work and learn best when I can take into consideration people and the human element. I flourish in an atmosphere of cooperation.
• With friends: I always look for perfect love. I am very romantic, and I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I am affectionate, supportive and a good listener.
• With family: I like to be happy and loving. I am very sensitive to rejection from my family and to family conflicts. I really like to be well thought of and need frequent reassurance. I love intimate talks and warm feelings.

I have to be honest, that seems to really fit me.

Crossroads

I think we're at somewhat of a crossroad here. There's been so much drama going on at Jimmy's job that he's seriously thinking of moving us. To where? No idea. He's under a lot of stress and I've known it. But tonight he actually snapped at me. That's rare. When he gets this bad, I get anxious. I start walking on eggshells. Not because I feel he's going to hurt me or the children. Not at all. More because I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be stressed so much. That's when I start feeling if I had a job, we wouldn't have to worry as much. If I didn't spend so much a month for high speed internet, we could pay another bill. All these ifs start niggling inside my head. It makes me feel insecure.

The truth is, I make sure our bills are paid, so there's no worry (really) about that. I make sure there's plenty of food in the house for all of us. There are moments of panic when the kids need something and we don't have the extra money. (See my good find post.) But it all works out in the end.

We're still having insurance issues with Jackson. We haven't heard anything as to whether he's covered or not. The only appointment he has this week is with the dietician at the WIC office. But next week, if I don't know anything, I have to cancel more appointments. To reapply for medicaid for him, I'd have to jump through hoops just to prove he's a US citizen. Apparently a South Carolina birth certificate doesn't cut it. Don't even get me started on that one!

On a positive note, there's been no more confrontations at the bus stop. The two children in question ignore me and I them, unless of course, they try to cut in line, which NO ONE has tried since the incident.

As far as the moving, we've actually been talking about moving for the past few years. It's always been to Tennessee, somewhere just outside of Nashville. But it's always been just talk. Right now, I don't want to move away from MUSC, not with everything Jackson is going through. Though I did admit to Jimmy that his appointments at MUSC have gotten further and further apart and if needed, I would commute and stay with family. However now, we're even talking about different states. Neither one of us wants to move to the north...it's too friggen cold! LOL Yet I don't want to move west unless it's to Oregon. It's too hot in Texas and Arizona. And no way will I ever live in California, unless it's northern California, which just defeats the purpose of not moving north. I jokingly said last night, "You know if we're going to move, why not just go all out and move to England or something?" I think he was actually considering it!

So after he snapped at me tonight, I quietly left the room and waited until the kids finished their baths before taking mine. When I went back in to the living room Jimmy said something to me. I said, "Excuse me, what was that?" He repeated it and I said, "I'm sorry I can't hear you since my ears are attached to the head you snapped off back there." I thought it was funny. LOL I just need some support here. I don't know what else to do. I know he's stressed about his job, how he's going to support us, finishing his obligations on side jobs. One of which that set him off tonight was the truck I borrowed from my brother-in-law and had an accident in. Just minor damage but Jimmy didn't want them to turn it into the insurance company, said he would fix it himself. The truck was then sold and Jimmy was told not to worry about fixing it. However, tonight my sister called and said the truck was taken back because the guy never paid for it. (The truck was actually owned by my sister's in-laws.) And her MIL just wanted to know if Jimmy could fix it when it was convenient for him. She wasn't bitching or saying it needed to be done now. She knows how busy Jimmy is, so she was basically just putting the truck on the waiting list. That's when Jimmy snapped at me before I could say anything other than Shannons' MIL wanted to know if the truck could be fixed at his convenience. I think they're being incredibly reasonable about this. Hell the accident was back in April! But I understand how stretched Jimmy feels he's being pulled right now. I just don't know how to help him.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

As most of you know, this is something I am very passionate about. Not only because I lost my girls 2 years ago, but also because I suffered a miscarriage 8 years ago. I'm sure most of you know someone who has suffered a miscarriage or loss of an infant besides me. Please take a moment to say a prayer for those parents who are still hurting no matter how much time has passed. Thank you. The above picture is one a friend made for me as an email signature.

Chicken Marsala

Jimmy and I decided to try out Carrabbas awhile back. I ordered the chicken marsala which was so delicious! Well I have a website in my faves that has top secret recipes...basically a collection of recipes from different restaurants and whatnot. I was pleased to come across the recipe for Carrabba's chicken marsala. Since then I've searched all over looking for marsala wine. I haven't been able to find it.

Well today after grocery shopping, I realized I'd forgotten vegetable oil. So I dashed to Food Lion for the oil and a bottle of vinegar. I'm crouched down perusing the vinegar trying to find regular vinegar through a shelf full of apple cider vinegar. As I'm just about sitting on my knees, I see a bottle of marsala wine. ACK! I almost squealed out loud I was so excited! So, OF COURSE I bought a bottle. LOL And I totally plan on making chicken marsala very soon. I love trying new recipes. I only hope mine turns out half as good as Carrabba's. LOL

I totally choked

Yup I choked. We loaded the kids and headed to the mall. I had every intention of trying out. We walk through the mall to where Vanna White and crew are. I turn the corner and see a large crowd gathered. That's when it hit me. No way could I get myself up there in front of all those people! I literally choked and almost burst in to tears. I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I almost broke out in a run trying to get away from there. Jimmy said there's always tomorrow or next week. Or some other time. But all I knew was there was no way I was getting on that stage in front of people. I'm such a coward. LOL

So instead we went to Target and bought a birthday present for the party we were going to later. One of Jimmy's co-workers was having a birthday party for his 2 year old, who was absolutely adorable! And his wife was such a nice woman. They had a jump castle. So the kids had a great time. Justin wasn't feeling well and I learned he had a fever. I got some children's tylenol from Jimmy's co-worker and Justin sat away from everyone else. He's now passed out on the couch where he's been since we got home at 4. I should have known something was wrong when he voluntarily went to bed at 7:30 last night.

Wheel of Fortune

As most of you locals know, the Wheel of Fortune crew will be here this weekend and next weekend. Jimmy really, really, REALLY wants me to go. He says, "I don't know anyone else who can solve the puzzle with 3 or 4 letters showing. We used to have the Wheel of Fortune game, but I hated playing it. It really is no fun winning all the time. So I gave it away to the Homework Club.

Anyway, so I have Jimmy here nagging me to go try out. And I'm sure I'd be good enough to at least get on the show, where I would most likely choke because I don't like being the center of attention. Ok my love for puzzles would most likely take over and I'd be fine. But my problem is, I'm too embarrassed by how I look. Those that met me at the blognic, need no explanation, though I love you all for accepting me as I am. But there's no way I'm going on national television. So how do I gently tell Jimmy that he's talking out his ass and there's no way I'm going anywhere near either mall while the crew is here? LOL

Latest bus stop news

So this morning I'm standing at the bus stop with a parent the parent that's always there but missed Monday. I'll call her Lady A. This time though another mother (Lady B) showed up, the mother of two girls I've made go to the back of the line several times before. After the bus left, the three of us stood around talking when Lady B said her daughter told her I was pushing her around. (I assume that her daughter went home after I was confronted Monday in hopes her mother would confront me as well.) She wasn't accusing, or cussing or anything. Before I could say anything, Lady A jumps in and says, "She's never touched any of the children." Lady B said, "Well I know my daughters so I figured I needed to come down myself and see what's really going on." I totally appreciated that. And told her so. I also told her that the only time I've delt with her daughters when when they would cut in line and I'd tell them they needed to move to the back. Lady B said "That makes sense. I knew there was more to this story." Lady A told Lady B about the two women on Monday. Lady B was outraged that two grown women would automatically assume that another parent had pushed their child without finding out what was really going on. She was even more outraged that the two women came to the bus stop and "made an ass of theirselves." Lady B said, "That's just bad parenting there and when their kids are grown and bad they'll have no one to blame but theirselves." I walked home all happy because THAT is what I expect parents to do, come talk to me.

On a side note, the two maintenance workers that know about the incident both asked me today when they saw me if there have been any more problems. On the way to the mailboxes today just before the bus came, one of them pulled up beside me and said, "If there are any more incidents, come get me." And he told me where his apartment is...which isn't far from the bus stop.

I feel totally justified, as well I should since I've done nothing wrong.

Pest control...

Since Jackson came home from the hospital I've refused to have pest control spray here. We've had no problems until our neighbors recently moved. However the problem with roaches hasn't come from our kitchen but from my computer desk.

It's been unnerving and disgusting. Pest control is scheduled to come this week and despite Jackson's allergies, I will finally allow them to spray. I'd rather NOT deal with disgusting bugs. Jackson has meds to handle any allergies.

? I'm just disgusted that I keep my appartment clean, almost to an obsession, yet I still have to deal with disgusting bugs! It makes me feel dirty, when I know I'm not.

Bus Stop Ordeal

This morning, I loaded up Jackson in his stroller, as usual. But with trepidation. I was terrified that those same two women would be there to confront me again. I do NOT like confrontation. I avoid it in any way.

However this morning as I approached the bus stop, I was aware that the two women were not there. Instead there were two other parents who know me and had heard about the incident and both were irate over it. Both came to me and said they were behind me in any way, since both KNEW I had NEVER touched any other child but my own.

That made me feel empowered. So I took the chance and mentioned the incident to the main maintenance worker who applauded me and said had it been him, it would have ended with him going to jail. He convinced me to tell the apartment office about it in case something else happened. That way if something else did happen there was already a record of Monday morning.

Jimmy went to work telling his co-workers that he has NEVER seen or heard of me backing down from a fight. And while that's true, the only reason I did was because my own children were present and I'm trying to teach them better.

My decision for now...

I've said before that I don't like confrontation. I choose to live in my own little world. Wrong, I'm sure. But after thinking on this all day, I've decided for now I won't drive Jay and Justin to school every morning. If I do that, those women will feel they've intimidated me and won. Instead I will go to the bus stop every morning as usual. I will continue to prevent the bigger kids from cutting in line and trampling over Justin. If those women feel the need to confront me again, as soon as I see them coming, I will make two calls. One to Jimmy to join me, the other to the police. If their children continue to cut in line and trample over Justin, I will call the school and complain as well as the office to the complex we live in. They want to bring violence into it, I'll go the legal route and bring the police into it. My father-in-law is a retired officer and I'm sure he still has friends on the force. They can threaten me all they want. The first time they lay a hand on me, I'm pressing charges. I hate to be that kind of person, but if I back down and take my children to school each morning, what is that teaching them? To back down and allow themselves to be intimidated. We're trying to teach them to stand up for themselves. How can we teach them that if I back down?

What the hell is wrong with people??!!

It's been a lovely morning. @@ It started out normal. I got up at 6 instead of 6:30 because Jackson was awake. I got the boys up for school. They dressed, ate and brushed their teeth. I put Jackson in his stroller and we walk to the bus stop, like we do every school morning. I'm standing behind the stroller playing with Justin when this woman gets in my face cussing me up and down. She pointed to two children and said, "That is my son. That is my daughter. If you ever lay a hand on either of them again, I'm going to kick your f-ing ass." I said, "Ma'am, I have never touched your children." And I haven't. The children in question are two that I'm constantly telling to go to the back of the line because they're cutting in front of the children that had already been standing in line. Usually Justin ends up getting pushed around when they do this. I've never even touched their shoulder or anything. IAs this first woman is running her mouth, I say, "Maybe you should come to the bus stop with your children." She said, "You worry about your own children." I said, "I do worry about mine. And I worry about all these other children that could get hit by a car playing in the street." She walks away, still cussing. Yes in front of a bus load of children. When she lives a lot of the kids go up to the boy and say, "Man you're a liar. She's never touched you."

So I'm standing there trying to pretend I'm fine. I go back to playing with Justin when another woman comes up to me and starts cussing me up and down about the same two children. I tell her the same thing, "I've never touched your child." At this point several children go up to her and tell her that the boy is lying, that I've never laid a hand on either of her children. The second woman was way taller than me...bout Heather's height but waaaaaaaay bigger in girth. She finally walks away still cussing. One of the other parents came up to me afterwards and said, "I'm up here every morning just like you and I've never seen you touch any child other than your own." I'm one of 4 parents that go to the bus stop. So the bus comes, the kids load up and I'm standing there waving to Justin, like I do every morning. When I turn around to leave, I see out of the corner of my eye the two women standing on their balcony. So i noted the apartment number and went home.

By the time I got home, I was shaking so bad I almost started crying. I walk in and tell Jimmy, "I'm taking the boys to school in the mornings from now on." Then I told him what happened. He grabbed his cell phone and called his boss to say he'd be late. I called the police to file a report.

An officer shows up and I tell him what happened. I said, "I'm 31 years old. I thought this stuff ended in high school." The officer said he would go talk to the other women, if they were home. In the morning he said either he or another officer would be at the bus stop to show other parents that this type of behaviour is serious and unacceptable.

It was nice that several of the children stood up for me. I just don't know what's wrong with people. I see those two children outside all the time getting in to trouble. And I hate to say this, but I bet they end up in juvie before too long. I must be naive or something, but I've always thought it was better to have a civil conversatin with a parent if there's a problem.

I sure hope my day gets better. LOL

October and awareness

Yes I know October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. But what about other awarenesses? No one remembers that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Yes I know breast cancer is wide known. But people lose infants and miscarry just as much as women die from breast cancer. This is something I wish was more known by others. I can't do it alone. I need help.

Last month, not even a month ago, House Resolution #222 was passed in the House of Representatives supporting the goals and ideals of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Check it out here.

I've suffered both a miscarriage and loss of infants. It's something that a lot of people don't want to talk about. I am very open with my experiences. I don't mind sharing about my miscarriage or losing my twins. It helps me heal. I apologize to anyone that feels uncomfortable when I bring them up. But they're who I am as well as my living children.

Yes it hurts. Yes, I still grieve. But I feel a warmth talking about them.

So help me spread the news about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. I will be sporting ribbons on Lucy Blue soon that reflect Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. Here is where you can find other ribbons representing Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

Thank you to all who check out these websites.

Great find!

It's not every day I find a great pair of jeans at a great price! Let me backtrack here.

With the weather changing so fast this weekend, I was concerned about the boys going to school in shorts. I'd planned on going on a shopping spree soon to buy uniform pants. But with the weather dropping, I needed to buy them pants NOW. I knew there was no way we could swing it financially this weekend. So off to the Goodwill we went. The first one we went to I was able to find 4 pair for Jay...in great condition. Spent 13 bucks there on 4 pairs of pants and 5 books. The next Goodwill we went to, I was able to find 4 pair for Justin in great shape. As he was trying them on, I decided to browse the women's' jeans since they were right there by the dressing room.

I admit, since giving birth to 6 babies, I'm no longer the size 3 I was. So it's easier finding my new size. The problem is finding my new size that will fit me length wise. I grabbed two pair of jeans and threw them in the buggy. When I got home, I learned one pair was too small, even though it was my size. The other pair....AWESOME! They're NY & Co jeans. The length is perfect! It's so hard to find petite jeans that fit perfect. They fit so great, I love them! I paid less than 5 bucks for them! My mission is to find more. LOL They move with me. I don't feel uncomfortable when sitting like some jeans make me feel. They're tight, but not too tight. And according to Jimmy, my ass looks great in them. LOL

Update on insurance issues

For those that have been following my dilemma, hopefully, we've avoided a catastrophe.

Jimmy was finally able to corner his boss Friday,. He said, "Look my wife has not talked to me in two days because of this insurance thing." His boss said, "You should have called me on my personal phone or cornered me and said it was important." His boss knew it was bad when Jimmy said I avoided him, etc.

So his boss, Jim, had the receptionist, Alicia, take care of everything. She was to call the insurance company to verify that pre-existing conditions were covered like we were told in March. So far they are, thank goodness. As far as as adding us to Jimmy's insurance, I can't be added until March when his policy renews, which is fine with me. The three older ones can't be added until December when their medicaid expires. But with Jackson, he can be added immediately as long as I had a letter stating when he was dropped form medicaid, which I had.

So I sent that in with Jimmy. Alicia faxed it to the home office and we should know something by Monday. After I know he has medical coverage, I will call his doctors and see if they accept Cigna. If not, I'll find other doctors, or request they start accepting Cigna. Wish me luck on that!

Random Jackson pics..

Just lounging with my sis. What a great day of playing! My 'do after a bath Hangin'with my friend Ethan. Oh Mommy, I fell and Daddy just wants to take pics! Waaaaaah!!!!!

Panic Attack Avoided...

Somewhat. LOL I did cry all morning. I finally was able to reach our case worker and she apologized and said that sometime in between when she and I talked in August and now, medicaid has changed the rules. No more can they just add the infants to the siblings schedule. They have to renew. They're wanting everyone to provide proof of citizenship. While I understand all that, it would have been nice to get some type of warning rather than getting a letter on the day it expired.

I cancelled all of Jackson's appointments for this week. I did ask how much they'd have cost, etc. For me to show up, sit in the waiting room for about 15 minutes, get called back, sit in a room for 10 minutes waiting for the doc, him coming in looking at Jackson's head and asking me what the neurosurgeon said before leaving, would have cost me $108. The RSV shot he was supposed to get on Wednesday, about $2k. OUCH!

So I spent all morning crying. Jimmy told his boss he needed to add us to his insurance. His boss said no problem. But before we do that, we plan on talking to a representative to make sure all of Jackson's pre-existing conditions are covered. When they had a meeting back in March with the rep, I happened to be there and asked him about pre-existing conditions. He said the plan Jimmy's work has, doesn't have any pre-existing clauses. So everything going on with Jackson would be covered. I specifically asked that. But we want to make sure that's still the case. I don't know what we'll do if that's changed. No other insurance policy we've found that was somewhat affordable will cover pre-existing conditions. Wish us luck!

On another note, I signed up for myspace not too long ago. I've been having a blast playing around with it. If you wanna check it out and have a myspace account, my info is www.myspace.com/sunniefaerie

I've been able to connect with people who've experienced TTTS and Craniosynostosis, as well as connect with a few old friends. It's really fun!

I think I'm going to have a panic attack...

Seriously. Jackson's medicaid was supposed to be up for renewal in August once he turned 1. I called our caseworker and she assured me that Jackson would be taken off infant's medicaid and placed on children's medicaid along with the three older ones. I asked when their medicaid was up for renewal and was told December. So I assumed since Jackson was being added to the same "group" as the three older that we had at least until November 30th to either renew or have the kids put on Jimmy's insurance through work.

Yesterday I get a letter in the mail stating Jackson's medicaid expires as of October 1st. I couldn't breathe! I felt like my world was collapsing. Jackson has three appointments this week. Tomorrow with the plastic surgeon, Wednesday for his synagis shot to prevent RSV, and Thursday for more allergy testing. I have to call and reschedule the plastic surgeon's appointment because the surgeon will be in surgery at the time Jackson's appointment was originally set. So I get a reprieve for that. But I can't avoid the other two.

I plan on calling the caseworker first thing in the morning to find out what happened. Jimmy is going to have the kids added to his insurance, like I've been bugging him to for a month. Then I have to call and find out how much the synagis shot and allergy tests are going to cost. I have no idea how we'll pay for that. I have very few jewelry pieces to pawn. Jimmy could get a loan from work. But with all the appointments Jackson requires, we'll be in debt very very soon. And we just got caught up with everything!

I'm not looking for pity. We chose to have all these children. We choose to have me stay home rather than work outside the home. But Jimmy does work hard. The only reason the kids are on medicaid this year was because when their renewal came up we were short paystubs since Jimmy switched jobs and was out of work so much when Jackson was born and was in the hospital.

This has been bothering me all day. I've held it in all day because when Jimmy got home last night and I showed him the letter he said, "There's nothing we can do about it right now so let's just enjoy our weekend." Easy for him to say. I'm the one that stresses over everything.

As far as Jay's progress reports, I learned why he may be failing Social Studies. Recently Jay switched homerooms. The teacher he started with ended up having more resource students so they move at a slower pace. All the homeroom teachers teach social studies to their class. They switch classes for Language Arts, Math and Science. When Jay was in his first homeroom they moved slowly. When he switched, that class was ahead of the other class. So in the transition he lost a chapter or two in Social Studies. That may, and I stress MAY explain the F in Social Studies. Hopefully when we have the parent/teacher conference, I'll learn more.

I've wanted to talk about all Jackson's appointments all day today with Jimmy but I didn't want to ruin his day off. So I've held it all in and tried my best to make it seem like nothing was wrong. The worst part? I had my one and only fleeting moment of resentment towards Jackson. I was outside hunting Justin down and thinking if Jackson weren't here, I wouldn't be stressing about how to pay these medical bills. What kind of awful parent thinks that??!! I'm a terrible parent. I do NOT want Jackson gone. I cannot imagine my life without him and don't want to. I've been feeling guilty all day for that one fleeting thought. As soon as I got back home, I just held him and wanted to cry.

So here I am, pouring my heart out on my blog. I figure I better let it out somewhere before I really do have a nervous breakdown.

For anyone with babies and loved the movie Grease..

Ok anyone really. LOL A friend of mine sent me this link in an email. It's called GreaserBabies. How weird. I know I added the link last night.

About Jay...

We got Jay's progress report today. He has a D in Language Arts, A in Math, C in Science and an F in Social Studies. To say that we are shocked and upset doesn't cut it. In the remarks it says, "Needs to do homework."

Okay let's talk about that. Jay goes directly to the homework club after school. He does his homework there and it's checked there. Nevertheless, when he gets home, I recheck his homework. He has an agenda he's to write his assignments in. I check that every night and initial it. So apparently Jay isn't writing all his homework down. Because I know that what has been written down has been checked by one of the counselors in the homework club, then again by me.

The other comments are "Low quiz grades (that's for math, yet he has a 99 in math.

The last comment is "Needs to stay focused." Now that one doesn't come as a surprise since he's ADHD and does have problems focusing.

The director of the homework club called me this evening to discuss Jay's grades. He was just as shocked as me since he knows how I am with Jay and his homework. He knows I'm an active participant in Jay's education. So what we've decided to do as a team is I'll call the school Monday morning to set up a conference with Jay's teacher...all of them if need be. I'm going to request that they initial Jay's agenda each day, I'll do the same as will Nick (the homework club director.) We'll also start Jay with tutoring in Social Studies in Language Arts and Social Studies. The homework club does free tutoring on Saturdays. I'll have the teacher send something for Jay to work on for the Saturday sessions.

As far as how Jimmy and I are handling it. I know I've talked about the science camp coming up in November. We've already paid for half of it. When I call the school Monday I plan on asking if that money can be refunded. If not, we have two options. We'll talk to his teachers and keep an eye on his grades this coming month. If they've improved, he can go. If not, we'll get our money refunded or donate it to another child. All monies have to be paid in full by 10/30. So I'll get the info in advance. In the meantime, Jay is grounded. He will be working hard.

I expect his grades to improve. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being too harsh? This is a first since he's been in school. He's always had excellent grades.

ER...

I'm so addicted to this show it's not even funny. How addicted? When I was in the hospital after having Korinne by c-section and was on a morphine drip, I refused to push that magic button until ER was over for fear of passing out and missing it.That being said, the season premiere last week and tonight's episode has been pure torture.

For those that don't watch a character gave birth to her baby premature. Then ended up having to have a hysterectomy. It was the premature birth that had me bawling.(My twins were born premature and passed awayt shortly after.)

Tonight's episode, the baby is in surgery and having complications. I didn't watch Jackson's surgery but had all kinds of nightmares...ok daymares while it was going on.I really should stop watching, but I can't.

Shopping spree...and allergies

Jackson had his appointment with the allergist again this morning. According to the blood test results, he has a mild allergy to eggs, milk and peanut. The numbers weren't high enough for major concern. Yeah...he's the the freaked out parent who's baby has had medical problems aplenty since birth. So we're to do challenge tests. Next week, we'll go in with some milk. They'll give him milk then check him in 15 minutes, give him more, check him, etc. The same will happen when he has his appointments for the eggs and peanut challenge. I'm so tired of all these doctor's appointments! When will they be over? Ok I really don't mind because I know he's being taken good care of. While at the allergist appointment, he didn't like how Jackson was breathing and that his nose was stuffy, so we were given a prescription.

With prescription in hand, we head to Walmart and drop it off. As we're waiting for the med to be filled, I'm browsing. I decide to by myself things I've needed for awhile...undergarments. Then I'm looking at the clearance racks...I love clearance racks...and come across three tank tops I loved. The highest price was 3 bucks! I did buy a $7 t-shirt with tinkerbell on it that says, "You wish you were me." I got it because I love tinkerbell and it just sounded funny. Along with a bottle of soda, a can of refried beans and a box of garlic bread sticks, the price came to just over $60. When I saw Jimmy later, I told him I went shopping. He immediately got this weird look on his face. He said, "Well you know where we stand with the bills." My heart dropped and I decided to take everything back.

Later when Jimmy came home from work, I told him I was taking everything back and why. He said, "No you are not taking them back. You needed most of it. And the shirts cost $15 for all four. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I was merely stating that since you handle the bills, you knew whether or not we could afford it." Then I decided, to hell with it. I rarely buy anything for myself, other than a magazine or two a week. I'm keeping these tank tops. The undergarments were very much needed so I wouldn't have taken them back. LOL

See, I handle all the money here. When Jimmy gets his paycheck, he calls me. I go pick it up, it's signed over to me and deposited into my checking account. I pay all the bills and buy whatever is needed. The financial part of our marriage is my responsibility. And he wouldn't have it any other way. At least he knows the bills are paid and I'm not stressing about something being shut off. Yes, we had a little extra for me to shop today. Usually when I do extra shopping, it's for the kids, so it felt really good buying myself some things.

I love shopping! But I'm such a frugal shopper that I will compare before I buy. I devour clearance racks. I even like second hand stores. I bought Korinne a bicycle for 4 bucks at a second hand store and it looked brand new! Ok I'm cheap. You don't have to tell me. LOL

Almost midnight...

and I'm still up with Jackson. I'm okay now, not too tired, but ready for bed.

Jimmy and I went fishing tonight. I babysit a friend's 11 year old every day after school, going on week 2. The girl is only here about 2 hours a day so I don't feel right charging. But because I know how proud my friend is, I charge $25 a week. This friend is so in debt to me, to her thinking that she volunteers to babysit for me.

I took advantage of that tonight and had her watch my oldest (who is grounded) and my youngest (who is 13 months) while Jimmy and I took the two middle children fishing. I know it was torture to the oldest because he LOVES going fishing.

So we get to the park where bank fishing is allowed (10 minutes from home). Justin and Korinne are excited. I'm using an old fishing pole of Jimmy's, with live bait that I refuse to touch. Ok I don't mind touching it, I just cannot kill it by baiting it. LOL Well apparently on Jimmy's old pole, there's a screw missing because the first time he casts off the crank flies off. I found this amusing until he said that was the pole I was using and would have to take crank off before I cast off.

As you can imagine, eventually I forgot to take the crank off. I cast off and hear this HUGE PLOP! Way before my hook hits water. Yup, it was the crank. I felt so bad, yet wanted to laugh. And what do you know, I get a bite. So I'm reeling this fish in by twirling the wheel instead of the crank. Granted it was a teeny tiny fish. I still don't know what kind, but it was beautiful. (We don't keep what we catch.) I caught another the same way. Jimmy caught a baby flounder. We let them all go though. It's not keeping the fish that makes it fun. It's the catching and letting go.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to Jackson cry, cry cry. He doesn't want a bottle of juice or milk. He doesn't want me to hold him, or even have Jimmy hold him. His diaper is dry. I've given him tylenol because he's teething. Nothing I've tried is working. So I just put him in his crib and turned his music on. I can't go to bed leaving him that way. So I'm sitting her patiently waiting for him to fall asleep. Thankfully Korinne is a hard sleeper and didn't wake up once. LOL

Another battle

I had yet another battle, so to speak, with Jay. Here's how it went down.

I went to tuck in the kids for bed. I tell Jay to turn of the tv in their room. (There's no cable, it's so they can watch movies on the playstation 2.) He trips over something and gets mad. I said, "If you had cleaned your room, you wouldn't have tripped.Daddy may have let you off the hook on cleaning this room, but I am NOT happy about it." I then look at Justin and say, "Justin if you clean this room this week, I will give you ten dollars and get you a special prize. Can you do that for me?" Justin says yes. So Jay gets upset, starts crying and says, "What if I clean it?" I said, "Jay it doesn't matter. You should have cleaned it anyway. I ask you to do ONE thing once a week and you can't even do that. So how about I quit doing things for you. From now on you do your own laundry." At that he interrupts me and says, "I don't know how to do laundry and I don't want to learn!" I said, "I will teach you, and you will learn. If you can't do one thing for me, why should I do anything for you?" He says he doesn't care if I quit doing his laundry. I said, "Fine, you'll go to school with smelly clothes." Again he says he doesn't care. So I turn and walk away.

As I'm walking away I hear the dreaded words "I hate you!"

I whip around and say, "Excuse me? You hate me? Well I'm not exactly loving your behaviour right now. That's ok. I'll remember that. You have a birthday coming up and 'I hate you' isn't going to make me feel generous." He starts crying even more. I turn to leave and hear him mumbling "You're always mean to me."

Again I whip around and say, "I'm mean to you? Let's see, I cook dinner every night so you have something decent to eat. I do laundry so you have clean clothes to wear. I buy you things just because. I make sure the bills are paid so we, including YOU, have a place to live with lights and cable television. And I'm mean to you? Jay, you are 10 years old. You have no idea of how life really is."

At that point I give up and just walk outside for a smoke. When I come back in, Jay comes out of his room and says he's sorry. So I tell him, "Jay, you have no idea how much I love you. For the first 5 years of your life, you were my whole life. All I had was you and Daddy. Yes there are more people, but I still make sure you have things you need and things you want. I don't feel I'm being unreasonable asking you to clean your room ONCE a week. Justin and Korinne clean EVERYDAY. When I was your age, I had to clean the living room, kitchen, do laundry, cook dinner and babysit my Shannon and Billy (sis and bro) because my mother was too busy partying. Do I make you do any of those other than your room?" He shook his head no. I said, "So how am I being mean there? I know you don't make the mess most of the time, but it's the ONLY thing you have to clean." I told him we were still changing the rooms around. We're moving Justin into Korinne's room because it's bigger and I know two twin beds will fit in there. Jackson's crib will be moved into Jay's room because the only way twin beds will fit in there is as bunk beds. Since Jackson's toys are in a container in the living room there will be nothing but beds and dressers in Jay's new room. All the toys will be in Justin's and Korinne's room. And yes they will both be responsible for keeping it clean.

So that's where we are now.

Here it is 12:20 am...

And I'm still up. Jackson had a doctor's appointment today with the neurosurgeon. The time totally interupted with his naptime.

So here I am at after midnight ready to go to bed and he's wide awake wanting to play! Heaven help me!!!!!!!

Losing battle

Jimmy and I are in a losing battle with Jay...our almost 11 year old. All I ask of him is to clean his room once a week. Korinne and Justin clean every day. Usually on Saturdays, I have Jay clean his room...yes he shares a room with Justin...and yes Justin and Korinne usually make the mess in their room. But because Justin and Korinne clean the living room everyday, and Korinne cleans hers and Jackson's room, I feel Jay cleaning their room is fair. Do you think so?

Well this past Saturday, since we were all at the Blognic, I didn't have him clean the room. Instead we wanted him to do it on Sunday. After many threats and withdrawing privileges, he still refused to clean the room.

So instead of resorting to spanking and all, Jimmy and I decided to switch the rooms around. We're putting Jay in with Jackson and Korinne in with Justin. Because I can count on Justin and Korinne to clean their rooms, that's not a problem. The reason for putting Jay (almost 11) in a room with Jackson (13 months) is because all of Jackson's toys are in containers in the living room. So any mess made in their room cannot be blamed on anyone else.

Besides switching rooms, Jay will lose all privileges such as going fishing with the family (which he loves) and getting any extra prizes (a video game rental or whatever.) We won't ask him to do anything. No more having him take out the trash. No more asking him to clean his room. No more asking him to clean the bathroom Jimmy and I don't use (it's the *kids* bathroom). When he wants something, he'll have to earn it.

Does all this sound harsh? We provide a stable roof over his head. We make sure he has food in his belly and clothes on his back. Is it too much to expect him to keep his room clean? I'm telling you his room is so bad that I have to clear a path each night so that when Jimmy gets the boys up for school in the morning he doesn't trip over something or step on something. At least with him being in a room with Jackson, there will be no toys. So anything on the floor will obviously be Jay's doing since the only time Jackson is in the room is for naps or bedtime.

A fun little survery

Here's a little survey I found on a friend's myspace blog.Thought it was fun. Here are my answers. Who's next?

1. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? No
2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons? Let the kids play with them?
3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Um...Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, how sad is that? LOL
4. What is the best thing about your current job?I don;t miss anything new my children do.
5. Are you against same sex marriage? No, who are we to judge anyone? Judge not, lest ye be judged
6. Have you been on a date in the past week? Yes
7. Where did you go on your last vacation? Georgia, when I visited Jodi, when she lived there.
8. Quote a song lyric "Cause I'm broken..."
9. Are most of the friends in your life new or old? new
10. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? no
11. Do you like your parents? My dad yes, my mom sometimes
12. Have you ever gotten a ticket, speeding or otherwise? Yes Broken windshield
13. Tell us about the last conversation you had? With Jimmy with him complaining about people
14. Where do you see yourself in one month? Sitting right where I'm at, in front of the computer with the kids sleeping
15. What is your favorite smell? Jackson fresh out of the tub. I love freshly cleaned babies
16. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers? yes, and I enjoyed it! LOL
17. Have you ever played spin the bottle? Yes
18. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house? Yes, LOL
19. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? All the time
20. Have you ever gone camping? Yes, and realized sleeping on the ground is not for me!
21. Have you ever had a crush on your brothers friend? My brother is 8 years younger than I am, and his friends are all goobers. LOL
22. Have you ever been to a nude beach? No
23. Have you ever had sex on the beach? Ew! And get sand in uncomfortable places? I don't think so!
24. Have you ever had a stalker? Not that I know of
25. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Yes
26. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Yes
27. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober one? Now that's fun! Free entertainment. LOL
28. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes
29. Have you ever felt betrayed by a friend? Yes
30. Have you ever felt like you were just completely rhino raped? I don't think so
31. Have you ever lied to your parents? Oh yes
32. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat? No
33. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places? No, that'd be gross
34. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't know what was going on? LOL Yes
35. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on? No
36. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers? Yes
37. Have you ever seen your best friend naked? Yes

It's MY night...

From the day our oldest, Jay was born, Jimmy and I agreed that since he worked and I didn't I would get up with the kid(s) Sunday through Saturday. He would get up Saturday night/Sunday morning. I have never once in all these almost 11 years asked him to get up. So I consider Saturday nights/Sunday mornings to be MY time. I take that opportunity to drink what I want, as much as I want, or to stay up as late as I want. I get to sleep in on Sunday mornings, though I rarely due.

The reason? Because I'm selfish. I want to enjoy every single moment Jimmy is home from work. So I sacrifice my sleep in time to spend time with him. I DO take naps during the week when Jackson and Korinne are napping. So I don't feel I'm missing out on sleep.

So here I am at who knows what time (since the time I post is never the actual time) I have my two oldest spending the night out. and the two youngest plus Hubby in bed asleep. I'm disconcerted because usually when any of my kids are out for the night, I call them to tell them goodnight. Otherwise I go to bed feeling I forgot something. Tonight when I called to where they are, there was no answer. Wannabet, I won't get any sleep tonight? LOL

Yes I know I need to let them go some. But I'm not ready for that. They're 10 and 5! They should be home with me! Dammit! LOL

Next week will be even harder because the same friends the boys are at tonight, my girl will be with their girls. Korinne has never been at any sleepover other than my mother. I'm not worried about Korinne in regards of our friends, because we all share the same beliefs on discipline and whatnot. It's just that I've never been away from Korinne for any time except when I stayed at the hospital with Jackson when he had surgery on his skull in February.

September Blognic

Wow did I have a great time! I was confused at first since I had no idea where to go. Thanks to Heather, we found our way. LOL

Even though I didn't eat, there was a lot of delicious looking food. I will definitely skip breakfast for the next blognic. Then I'll be hungry for lunch. LOL

I met a lot of wonderful people. I met Dan and Janet, Mike, Vera, Patrick, Eugene, April, Jason, and Harriet. I didn't get to meet Chuck or Jared really. Though I did listen in on some of their conversations and am a little disappointed for missing out on chatting with them. Heather and Margo I already knew.

There were 9 children there...4 of which were mine. LOL I was amazed that mine were so well behaved. All the children were. April's daughter is so cute! I can't wait for us to get together for "Betty" and Korinne to have a playdate.

I told Jimmy he was going to the next get together if I have to drag him. LOL I was so nervous when I first got there. I've become such a homebody that my stomach gets in knots when I'm purposely going out to meet new people. But I'm definitely glad I went. (I had to after I offered to bring drinks. LOL)

I'm looking forward to the next get together and may even get a babysitter so I can take advantage of adult conversation. LOL

By the way, thank you all for indulging me by wearing name tags, so I'd remember who was who. That helped a lot. :)